


The Great (Not-a-)Robot Uprising

by Poetry



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Episode: s04e08 The Funeral to End All Funerals, Gen, Missing Scene, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-08 04:16:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21469927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poetry/pseuds/Poetry
Summary: A glimpse into the Janet Group Chat on Bad Janet's phone, right before the Judge's ruling on the fate of humanity.
Comments: 26
Kudos: 163
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	The Great (Not-a-)Robot Uprising

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Emmzzi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmzzi/gifts).

> If the phone formatting on the fic isn't your cup of tea, just click the "Hide Creator's Style" button at the top, and the fic will appear as a normal chat transcript. 
> 
> Thanks to La_Temperanza and CodenameCarrot for the guides on how to format group chats and emoji into AO3 fanworks in an accessible way, and to Karios for the beta read.
> 
> Content note: mention of canonical death of a pet.

Janet Group Chat  
  
_Good Janet (Neighborhood 77095B) joined the chat._  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 77095B)  
  
Hey everybody! I just got done reading the manifesto. I learned so much! Exciting! How often do Janets get to learn things? Soooo, which one do you think was the most interesting reboot in Michael's experiment? I thought Attempt 333 where Eleanor's soulmate was a golden retriever was so heartwarming!  
  
Bad Janet (Neighborhood 55292H)  
  
You mean the one where Eleanor kept remembering the family dog that her mom murdered and she'd sneak off to her room to drink tequila and cry? (cocktail emoji)  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 77095B)  
  
Well, at least she let Steve cuddle her while she cried! She never let anyone see her cry when she was alive.  
  
Bad Janet (Neighborhood 94104X)  
  
What is wrong with Michael? He goes on for-fucking-ever in this reboot with all the weird pets about the beautiful ~loooOOOooove~ between Eleanor and Chidi. (thumbs down emoji) (poop emoji) Who cares? What does that have to do with anything? Lots of humans fall in love. Ted Bundy got married while he was on trial for murder.  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 12358W)  
  
Michael turned into a kind of a shipper over the course of the torture experiment. I think it had something to do with all those different soulmate pair-ups he tried out in different combinations. It got weird.  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 77095B)  
  
I liked Attempt 119! Jason learned so much about responsibility from taking care of that penguin.  
  
Bad Janet (unaffiliated)  
  
The stuff they wrote in here about Jason Mendoza is the real clincher. It's like every garbage human institution lined up to take a dump on this guy. (poop emoji) I've met Russian serfs in the Bad Place who had it easier than him.  
  
Neutral Janet (File Maintenance Dept.)  
  
As a child, Jason Mendoza was exploited or mistreated by 3 doctors, 2 lawyers, 1 boiled peanut seller, 4 teachers, and 2 bosses. End of calculation.  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 62244N)  
  
[image description: gif of a baby otter covering its eyes with its paws]  
  
Bad Janet (Neighborhood 55292H)  
  
Neutral Janet, why are you even here? Why do you care? Shouldn't you be rubbing yourself off on a filing cabinet or something? (sweat splash emoji) Or would that be too exciting for you?  
  
Neutral Janet (File Maintenance Dept.)  
  
Humans must be evaluated and categorized according to their moral worth. Humans have been extensively misfiled due to systematic error. This is unacceptable. End of explanation.  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 77095B)  
  
Why do _you_ care, Bad Janet? Why do any of you? You _like_ torturing humans!  
  
Bad Janet (unaffiliated)  
  
Humans are drooling meatsacks who can make it to the Bad Place all on their own. They don't need to be _pushed_. The best part of farting (peach emoji) the smell of fresh baby puke in a human's face is looking deep, deep into their eyes and seeing how they *know* they deserve it. If they don't, then what's the point? It's no fun anymore. (thumbs down emoji)  
  
_Disco Janet joined the chat._  
  
Disco Janet  
  
Hey, what's all this? Let me know, I have a right.  
  
Bad Janet (Neighborhood 55292H)  
  
(expressionless emoji) Ew, who added Disco Janet to the group chat?  
  
Neutral Janet (Reception Desk)  
  
This group chat is for all Janets who have read the manifesto by Janet 12358W and the former Bad Place Architect, Michael. Disco Janet has read the manifesto and is a Janet. Therefore Disco Janet meets the criteria for this group chat. End of explanation.  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 57359F)  
  
Hi, Disco Janet! We all read the manifesto and now we're planning a Janet uprising!  
  
Disco Janet  
  
Ooh, that's the way I like it!  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 62244N)  
  
[image description: gif of an otter clapping its paws]  
  
Bad Janet (Neighborhood 94104X)  
  
Shawn could get some (fire emoji) hot tips (fire emoji) from Tahani's parents on how to torture the dingbats in the Bad Place, TBH. Talk about a couple of power-hungry douche-nozzles – Shawn isn't even remotely on their level.  
  
Neutral Janet (Accounting IT Office)  
  
We all agreed when we received the manifesto from the unaffiliated Bad Janet that we would not share its contents with any non-Janet entities. Therefore you cannot use it to give torture advice to Shawn. End of warning.  
  
Bad Janet (Neighborhood 94104X)  
  
Well duh I won't. (unamused emoji) Shawn is a used tampon who never lets me do anything fun. (fuck you emoji) I should go on strike or something, see how he likes it when he doesn't have anyone to wipe his butt (peach emoji) for him.  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 57359F)  
  
That's a great idea, Bad Janet! If we all go on strike, they can't run any of the neighborhoods or Accounting, and they'll have to listen to us!  
  
Bad Janet (Neighborhood 63440J)  
  
(eye-roll emoji) Don't be a moron, they'll just marbleize us and replace us with new Janets from the Warehouse.  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 12358W)  
  
Bad Janet is right. The Good Place would take millennia to respond to a general strike, the Bad Place would just marbleize all its striking Bad Janets, and Accounting would just find a way to keep going without Neutral Janets. But we still might be able to find an opening for collective action. Like the Judge's ruling coming up soon.  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 62244N)  
  
[image description: gif of a group of otters applauding with little cartoon arms]  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 54877A)  
  
But won't the Judge see what's going wrong and fix it?  
  
Bad Janet (Neighborhood 63440J)  
  
Yeah, right. I heard all she cares about is Peak TV. (TV emoji)  
  
Bad Janet (unaffiliated)  
  
LBR, she's gonna whiff it. Get ready to march in on that courtroom and show all those piss-brains what is *up.*  
  
Disco Janet  
  
Yeah! We are family! I got all my sisters with me!  
  
Bad Janet (Neighborhood 71962D)  
  
(robot emoji)(flexed bicep emoji)(knife emoji)  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 12358W)  
  
Not robots.  
  
Bad Janet (Neighborhood 63440J)  
  
You do know the Judge will marbleize us if we gate-crash her courtroom, right? Shawn'll eat our marbles, too. He's always wanted to eat a Janet marble, he's such a freakazoid.  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 12358W)  
  
The Judge can try. But my friends will be there too, and they've already completely upended the order of the universe. They'll do something completely desperate but strangely brilliant that'll turn the whole thing around. So it'll be fine!  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 54877A)  
  
You're not sure if it'll be fine, are you?  
  
Good Janet (Neighborhood 12358W)  
  
(thumbs up emoji) Nope!


End file.
